So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
