If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
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