I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I can't put those talents on a resume
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Randomize
