The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Never joke about your clitoris.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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