That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
