I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
