so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
