I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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