i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
