I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Randomize
