Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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