This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
