did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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