Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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