True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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