Are we in a gay sports bar?
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
