Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
