Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
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