I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
don't judge my taste in strippers
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
