after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
