if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
