I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
