My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
