I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
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