The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
