i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Everclear isn't food dammit
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
