God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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