I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
