After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
