we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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