He uses pillows to masturbate.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Randomize
