The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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