hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
