I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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