he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
