Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
