I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
My underwear smells like fireworks.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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