I think I won the penis lottery.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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