I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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