How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
