don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
