True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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