apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
did i walk over a car last night?
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Randomize
