i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
