I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
i will never coherently bang her
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
