I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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