I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
