Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
