the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
