The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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