Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
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