3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
